birthday

O God of infinite grace and mercy, i praise you for this day, my 30th birthday
which a few years ago, during the beginnings of my trials with cancer, I
doubted that i would ever see. Oh lord how you guided me from those dark
nights in 5a-room20, to this blessed morning of today. i was 27 and unsure of
whether i would even live to see the end of the year. But how you healed me
of leukemia for the first time–how you saved me from imminent death, only
for me to rebel against you once more. for after being saved the first time,
although my heart was bending toward your insights, my heart was not
completely yours; it was infact still infected with the self love which
boasted of itself. indeed just as the cancer was not eradicated the first
time, according to your infinite wisdom, my self love was left to remain so
that THE FINAL cure could be applied–so that the shattering of the self
be so complete that there would be no turning back–there would no relapse
into sinful self love. had i just been saved then, i don’t know how much
my faith would have been counterfeit. but now i know that my love for you
is TRUE–for it has been through the crucible and all else has been burned
away. so i praise you, o glorious God for your hand in my relapse and I
thank you for teaching me to put all of my trust in your sure hands: oh how
dark those days in the ICU were–and how death, and the sounds of death
that surrounded me scared me. But yo were with me and you taught me to
put my faith in your perfect timing and your perfect plan.

oh lord, it was according to your perfect plan that i received my transplant
when i did-for the delays which initially frustrated me, were for a sound
reason: to make time to chelate the iron from my blood. and your timing was
perfect, for you arranged this apartment which we moved into just days before
my transplant. i stand in awe of your wisdom and mercy; of your patience
and love. and tonight, i especially praise your tenderness for comforting
me after my release from the hospital on the 27th of march last year. oh
how weak and nauseous i was–only you will know how sick i was; how i
almost fainted everytime i stood up; how weak my voice became; how showering
insulted my weak body such that i would at many times almost fall in the
bathtub. LORD only you know! and probably only you remember things, for I
have indeed forgotten some of the worst bits!!!

and day by day you strengthened me; each day molding me into the creature
you intended me to be: re-creating in me a heart that loves nothing more
than you! and you protected me–keeping the leukemia away as well as keeping
sin at bay. and in those nights, how you gingerly rescucitated my body and
my spirit O Love! at the right points, you opened my eyes to correct my
thoughts–teaching me that there is nothing on this earth worth loving–
especially not myself. you guided me through your word and opened my
eyes to the wisdom intended for me. and how i have changed!

i am reborn in body and spirit, and i pray that i never lose you. i have
told you many times, and i repeat it once more, that i would rather die
than to lose you–for losing you IS DEATH, and i don’t think i can withstand
it. and just as i write that, i am reminded of the cost you paid on the cross
for me–the exact thing which i fear most–of losing you, that was what you
yourself bore to save me from my wretched self! Oh my God! Why did you do
this for such an unworthy creature? Why did you do this for an unworthy
species? Why did you do this for an unworthy world? This is why the depths
of your love are unfathomable, and why i am in awe of your love, and indeed
compelled to love you wholly with all my heart and all my mind and all my soul.

please keep me from temptation and deliver me from evil, for my story is not
yet finished, and second to losing you, i also fear disappointing you–oh how
overwhelmed with guilt i would be if i repaid your grace and mercey and love
with SIN! and betrayal and unfaithfulness! oh let me then die lord and
suffer all that is my due–for you are RIGHTEOUS, and even now, i am so
mortally afflicted with sin and self love! the possibility scares me!

but you are sure-handed in your guidance and have prepared me–indeed you are
preparing me to submit all that is within me which may lead me to betraying
you: first, you have asked for my life, and after a mini-ceremony for myself,
[june 6th 2010 photo booth video] i submitted it to you; you then asked for
my future–on my career on whether i will have a family, and that too i brought
to your altar. in this season of lent you have asked for my chastity and that
i promise to you. search my heart lord root out the things which may lead me
to sin against you, and help me to bring them to your altar for sacrifice.
i say to you that i submit all to you, but i know that i am sinful and that
there are many things which may be very hard for me to give to you–my
vanity being the most incorrigible among them. help me lord to bring ALL that
i am to the altar so that my heart may be melted into a pure love for you.

should i do that everyday for the rest of my days, then i know that i will never lose you and never betray you–that i will be yours forever and forever in your bosom.

i pray this, in your glorious name, Amen.

~ by lentaing on March 29, 2011.