smashing words

the anniversary of my transplant has come and gone and i was powerless
to capture into any precise words of how it felt. the best i could do
were to record some passing impressions–nothing i could grab onto and
perhaps distill into a mantra; nothing i could use to explain why i am
still here.

and i almost did it again–any point beyond this and i just spin my
wheels (i just deleted a paragraph of another impression). the truth
is that i don’t know why i am still here. the truth is that i may not
be here for long.

and i’m quite ok with both of these truths because who could explain
the causal links that led to their existence? (was not my transplant
my re-birth?) who remembers their formulation in the womb? who can
fix their childhood impressions? who can know their end?

there is none like God, who is the steward of our development. he
conceived of us before we were in our mother’s wombs, tending to us as
a shepard to his sheep so that we may one day grow and become aware of
him, that we may worship him.

i humbly accept the limits of my mind and smash my powerless words. i
bow down to the author of all things, whose words breathe truth and
life.

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~ by lentaing on April 12, 2011.