round 2 and a sutra to silence

last year on this date i started my second round of high-dose chemo. the first round was very easy, and i came into the hospital as a brash veteran of chemo-therapeutic affairs. i was getting the hang of how my body would react, even to the point where i could detect the slightest beginnings of nausea and could avert the “end-state” by calling for some atavan. i felt that things would be routine.

five days later, i left the hospital so weakened that my voice was a barely-audible whisp. i ran a high-fever throughout the week, and i was accidentally given a drug that only a month before caused my airways to close. chemo eviscerates, med students (can) kill.

nothing was vocalized–not even my thoughts–which were in some alpha state most of the time: the approach of death set to silence. don’t struggle, just watch.

~ by lentaing on May 1, 2009.