Irrational pessimism and the fear of dying

i’m still a little bugged by my post yesterday. the irrational fear, which is at the root of the no-flossing and no-shaving policy, has a way of spreading across the body of normal activities: should i drink tap water–i’d rather not; go to a coffee shop–no thanks; have friends over for a visit–hmm, my counts are quite low, maybe next time. one by one–the tradeoff always seems to be in the direction of the “safe route”. over time, however, the costs have added up. my life has been widdled down to three things: A. being at home to rest, B. going to the clinic for checkups, C. going to the hospital for more chemo. I’m safe, but at what costs?

i’ve realized that i’ve fallen into a serious trap: in my bargaining i have chosen to trade off my life in the present for the hope of the future. This may be an OK route for someone who, for example, is in complete convalescence because of a broken leg–where there future is pretty certain. but as a cancer patient, i really don’t know what tomorrow may bring–or how long my health with last. indeed, as i’ve written in the past, i often face certain futures that are bleaker than the present.

therefore, cancer should make me more aggressive about living life in the present, not less so! there has to be a balance–a return to rationality, and a step away from fear. Yet, as i think through this perfectly rational argument, i still am unable to shake that fear–unable to bring myself to shave or floss. The thought of dying because of something as trivial as clipping my own toenails haunts me.

What is the source of this irrational pessimism? I’m able to identify at least one source within myself: i live in fear of improbabilities because i am a victim of them. how improbable is it to die from shaving? i don’t know, perhaps as improbable for a chromosome to flip in one of your cells, thus rendering you leukemic. random shit happens, and every cancer patient is well aware of this fact.

how can we break out of this state of irrational fear? last night, i had some insight. i thought about how weird it was for me to be optimistic when i faced something like chemotherapy, while being very pessimistic when faced with something like flossing my teeth. i rationally knew that there is a much MUCH greater chance of dying from chemo than from flossing.

this line of reasoning led me to the other source of this irrational fear: my doctors and nurses. before i delve into this, i want to say that i STILL trust my doctors and nurses, and that i think the care i have been getting is world class. it is important, however, to recognize that when you’re told “don’t floss…or else”–the already erratic fears that you have (as result of being a cancer patient), get even more overblown. you trust in your doctors and nurses because view them as more knowledgeable and experienced in these matters. why would you ever second guess them?

and from their perspective, one of a health care professional, the central mission IS the treatment. this is why chemo is good (and don’t worry about it), while flossing is bad (and do you REALLY want to risk it–it being the operative word: where in their eyes, IT = treatment, but in yours, IT = life). This, despite all rational calculations which state that you are MUCH more likely to die from chemo than from flossing.

i must learn to control this irrational pessimism. i would like to bring the same courage and faith that i have during each round of chemo to my everyday life, so that this period doesn’t become simply a time of convalescence, but instead, a time of living fully. i want to live DESPITE all that haunts me; i want to assert that although i am a victim of improbable events, i will not live in fear.

~ by lentaing on July 2, 2008.