tumbling

I look around and see nothing but blackness. I’m sinking. I’ve been sinking
for sometime now; I imagine myself at a great depth. There is an illusion
that some day, I will simply snap out of it–that i will simply surface and
the clarity with which i once lived my life will return. Purpose and Hope
would direct the meaning of this cancer–the meaning of my life. As I wait,
I sink. Without THOSE answers; without direction; without purpose–what is
there. And with each foot I sink, I feel the desparation slowly creeping in:
what if they never come? how should i make the most of each moment? I
sit imprisoned, in doubt and lost. what does it all mean? and where do I go
from here?

it is a prison that is punctuated by chemo rounds and clinic appointments; bounded
to the left by fading memories and to the right by the scent of what could have
been. i sit isolated from who i once was and who i wanted to be–waiting in
doubt as to whether these former possessions would be returned.

~ by lentaing on April 16, 2008.