bloodcancer

i knew it was serious when the emergency room doctor came in with a look of
concern on his face. he immediately started pointing to the blood work:
white blood count is way high; platelets, way low. my blood cells looks like
in their metastatis stage. it was lukemia.

i was shaken, but not without my wits. i tried to get as much information as
possible–how much do they know, how sure are they. my mother was there–i
almost forgot that she was in the room. i turned around and explained that it
looked like “hout cancer”. and she was firm. not a flinch.

they next moment, i turned my attention to my dad–i asked the doctor to get
him from the waiting room. he came in, and i explained it to him. rock solid.

when the doctor left us alone, i immediately told my parents that this is god’s
will/plan for me. this is a narrow road that i will have to walk alone, and
that i’m not afraid–whatever the end. b/c if this is incurable, i see my last
moments on a beach somewhere: looking at the sunset. if it is incurable, i
will take my own life.

but i feel blessed with a feeling of focus. clarity. of course, it would
take a crisis on this scale to shake my slumber–of course this is what god
has been preparing me for all this time. of course these following few moments
will be IT.

i wasn’t completely sure whether it really was lukemia or not, until i talked
to Dr. d*–the oncologist about my situation. he said that he’s 90%
sure. and with that–i probed deeper, and asked about what types of leukemia
there are; and what are the chances of survival. there are two types: chronic
and acute. he said i look to have the acute kind. chances of remission for
acute: 70%–with chemo therapy, or a bone marrow transplant.

talking to the doctor calmed me even more. i called my sister: a sudden insp-
iration hit–i want to be treated by the best; i’d like her to find the best
when we figure out what this thing is (2-3 days from now). i want to be
back up north.

i then started mapping out this disease:
jan 13th- onset. after getting off the grey hound, i collapsed into my bed–
feeling i caught something on the bus.
–night before: raw tuna tapas–perhaps w/ concentrated benzene–perhaps the
cause of it all?

jan 14th: 1st time back in the gym in a long time–that was when i threw up
when i got home. i couldn’t tell whether it was just the time away or the
hard cardio–its most likely my cancerous blood.

jan 15th: one more time at the gym–i had to pullback to avoid throwing up
again.

jan 16th: i got major gym chills after the workout. at this point, i
determined that i was sick.

jan 17th: wake up to find petichea on my leg–weird.

jan 18-20th: major sleep–LOTS AND LOTS of sleep; and depression. started
wondering whether these were just physical manifestations of depression.

jan 21st: feeling a little better.

jan 22nd-23rd: back on my feet. my appetite returning?

jan 24th:

jan 25th: sluggish

jan 26th: meet joel in the city–w/ inappropriate winter clothes; walked
outside alot; cam home and was bombed. watched “three times” and went to
sleep.
–woke up in the middle of the night coughing violently.

jan 27th: went to jp’s church: to fulfill my promise to god. and felt terrible
the entire time. came back and slept. mom and dad came down. slept. kao
sou (coining), and more sleep. in the night i coughed blood. felt it was
serious–i should go get this checked out–lung cancer? (did that one
cigarette w/ jerry really do me in)

jan 28th: this morning–touchy: i was angry at the coining. i felt no better–
and it really looked ugly. i’m going to the hospital: 8am checkin. I’m still
here.

that was the history of my blood cancer. according to my calc, it’s only been
two weeks. which is good, b/c i caught this early–and i might have a chance.

but i am stuck here for the next 2 to 3 days: to determine the diagnosis; and
then its up north. its very quick…and i’m ready. life has clicked into
focus.

~ by lentaing on January 28, 2008.